The Question

I've posted before that Christmas is difficult for me (no real reason) and the past Christmas was no exception. I began a downward spiral including not taking care of myself. I packed on a few pounds and ate terribly. Looking ahead at my brother's wedding in June seemed to get me in the right mental attitude. Nothing like meeting people for the first time and being reunited with others to make you want to look your best. Despite the fact my head was in the right place, I wasn't having much luck with exercise. I vowed to stop by the YMCA after work before I met the school bus. Never fear, it seemed I either had to work longer or had pressing errands. Honestly, I didn't like stopping mid-day to change, get sweaty then get ready again if I had something to do later. I decided instead of beating myself up and feeling guilty I needed to find something that worked. First of all, I decided if I did not exercise right away in the morning, it wasn't getting done. So now I get up 20 minutes earlier at 5:40 (and I fight it everyday). Second, the dreadmill wasn't doing it for me. I perused Netflix and came across several fitness DVD's. The ones I use the most are the 10 minute target areas. I try to do 2 segments for a total of 20 minutes. I aim to do something outside with my family on the weekends. Third, I put the scale in my son's bathroom. Weight is just a number. I'm more concerned with how I look and how my clothes fit. Now I'm not writing this to put myself on a pedestal. I'm far from perfect. I'm not setting the world on fire with 20 minutes of exercise. My point is that qualities I dislike in people are : when they are negative and work harder at finding reasons "why not" instead of being proactive and finding reasons "why I can". Ironically I was doing just what I have a hard time tolerating in others. I think most of the time the solution is out there. It may be a compromise in my case and it may boil down to the question "do we really want to do what it takes?" We bitch. We complain. Do we really want it ... whatever it may be?

Still Deciding

Today's purchase ... possible dress to wear to my brother's wedding. I don't know. It looks huge and shapeless hanging up. It's not that big - a size 8 - and somewhat fitted. Buying a bathing suit is worse, I guess.

Letting Go

I've been struggling a lot with being resentful these last few months. Resentful when other's needs affect my needs. I feel terrible about this especially when it concerns my children. I know in a blink of an eye they will be grown. I wasn't resentful when they were young. Their needs were so basic. Now they have different needs and it's much more complicated. I was faced with 2 things yesterday which caused resentment (at least internally)

1. My son will start high school next year. Good or bad, sports are his life. He wants to continue playing football and basketball for his school. I got the summer training schedule for both sports. There are things scheduled every weekday beginning the first day of vacation, sometimes up to 3 different things, some in the middle of the day. The bottom line - he won't be able to participate in all the events which is a blow to him. Even limiting the activities and trying to arrange a carpool, I dread it. My husband has a crazy schedule. I'm trying to work some. Most importantly, I want my daughter to have fun and not have summer ending up being carted around getting her brother somewhere.
2. I got an offer to do a few weeks of contract work this summer paying $6000. I have been wanting to get into doing contract work outside of my regular job. This would be a great place to start. Unfortunately, it's during summer break and NO WAY!

This is how I felt

The Wild Life

In my younger days, Wild Life meant one thing now it means another. Today Daddy D, Child #2, and I rode our bikes on a portion of an old railroad track now turned into walking/biking trails. We first saw this big turtle/tortoise (?).

We crossed this bridge

then this guy scooted across the path. I jumped off my bike and followed him into the woods.
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Back in Time

It's Friday. It's beautiful outside and looks like the great weather will continue for the weekend. Today, I listened to a cd in the car that I had burned a while back. It's 80's music (am old, okay). My music taste varies. On a given day I will listen to the Chili Peppers (have loved them for years), Dave Matthews Band, The Grateful Dead, old school funk, REM, U2, current top 40 and even some rap thrown. I don't readily admit this but there is a soft spot in my heart for 80's, synthesized, drum machine, big hair, mostly British music. I guess it reminds me of my college days. This particular cd had a mix: Tears for Fear, Depeche Mode, OMD, Squeeze, INXS, The Smiths, The Police, and Duran Duran to name a few. I realize this isn't the greatest example of music but it gets me every time. Those college days are becoming less and less clear in my mind and the music stirs something up of both great times and a few pretty sad times. Regardless of the type of emotions, at this point in my life which is so different from those days, it's nice to have a song take you back to another time and place for a few minutes.

He Called Me!

Our son left yesterday on a 3 day field trip with his whole grade - 300+ kids. The phone rang last night and it was him. I thought "that's nice". He proceeded to tell me one of his roommate had clogged up the toilet and what should they do. I believe he had enough forethought to realize calling the front desk and having a stranger come up to an unsupervised room of 4 boys probably wasn't a good idea. (Chaperones are staying throughout the hotel. Hired security guards roam the hallways but adults are not in each room). I told him to tell his teacher. .... and I thought he was calling to say he missed me!

Makeover Time

I've stated before how much I like Keanu. He's a very private person and I guess he lost it around the paparazzi yesterday. The Beatles-in-their-psychedelic-phase look has to go!

My Own Dr. McDreamy

I finally caved in and started watching Grey's Anatomy on Netflix. I'm still working my way through Season 1 so no spoilers, please. I knew it would be a good show. I can only commit myself to being sucked into one show at a time therefore Netflix is the ticket. I'm waiting for the next season of Weeds, The Office, and Entourage to come out on dvd. Getting back to Grey's Anatomy. I had my own Dr. McDreamy surgeon. He was tall, dark hair, and beautiful blue eyes. I was never so self conscious in front of a doctor in my life. I was fully aware how lovely I'd look sprawled out on the operating table therefore I bought beautiful p.j.'s and robe from Victoria's Secret for the post op hospital room visits. I'm pathetic I know. I did get some words of encouragement from the doc. He said I did not fit the normal type of person who needed their gall bladder out. I was young, thin, and otherwise in great health. I took all that to be a compliment!

Photo Saturday

I realized I haven't taken pictures in a long time so I took my camera with me when I went out earlier today. Here are a few things near my house:
I love old barns. They are so massive up close. I know they will become rare with the urban sprawl. It was a little chilly but the horses didn't seem to mind.
'Another barn near my house. I don't think it's in use now.
A modern barn - part of a beautiful horse farm with house and pool included for sale. I wish we could afford it!
A little further away from my house. This is a huge concrete structure at the entry way to a neighborhood. I can't say it's attractive but it is unique.

Having to Say No

Last week an acquaintance emailed and asked me to volunteer for two things. This was the second time she had asked followed by the second time I politely said "no". I did not give a reason. Nothing I could come up with to put back in a reply seemed substantial. I felt some guilt but I also knew I would feel resentment being involved. My heart was not into those activities plus there are a few other opportunities in the near future which interest me and might require my time and effort. I'm not the type of person who goes 100 mph. I'll admit there are plenty of people (especially moms) who do more than I do. It would not be honest to say I don't have the time. It is true though that I need down time to recharge. Otherwise I get mentally fatigue followed by physical fatigue. I don't deny the things I'm being asked to help with are for good causes - church, school, scouts, athletic booster clubs, etc. and before my kids are grown or we've moved on to other interests I'm sure I would have helped out at some point but I can't do it all especially at the same time!
P.S. I want to add my husband does his part. I'm not the sole volunteer representing our family!

Getting Offline

It's been a week since my last post. I haven't felt much like blogging lately. I'm not exactly sure why. For one thing, I've tried to be on the computer less. It seems I was putting more time and effort into communicating with people via email, blogs, flickr, etc. than dealing with people in person. It got to be I was jumping online continuously in the afternoons after my daughter got home from school. Granted I was doing some things for work at times but still. I started thinking her memories of her childhood will be Mommy on the computer.
I briefly thought about stopping blogging all together but honestly most of my computer time is not spent blogging or reading other blogs. Plus I haven't been all that interesting in blogging recently. I'm going to try to make better use of my time especially while online. Spring is here and perhaps it will inspire me to post some great stuff!

Hello ... Are You Out There?

Well, I guess I'm ending my self imposed exile. Perhaps more about that in my next post. I consider bloggers as friends. Many times I share more with them than my in person friends. However things happen which bring the reality how far out of reach cyberspace is. There is a blog I've been reading longer than any other blogs I'm currently following. I was a lurker way before I commented. Now she is missing! Blogger has said "Not Found" for several weeks and I have no idea what happened. I miss her. She didn't post often but when she did her posts were filled with beautiful pictures of her children and Australia. We both tried to run, both having problems more times than not. It would always shock me a little when I would read her blog and the date reflected it was tomorrow over there. I hope she returns soon.

MIA

On a "vacation" from blogging and a few other things. 'Will be back soon! - Joan
P.S. Keeping commenting. I'd love to hear from you.